Is usually very nice, but sometimes it just gets so lonely... 

Link

I still think Holy Wood and Mechanical Animals were really good smart albums. The shock-rock cliche was sorta a foil - and they had a nice songwriter center. The Portrait of an American Family shit? Too fucking childish. Antichrist superstar? Not too good for the reasons that are mentioned in the letter. For a little while there, this guy had it together. He made a fucking glam-rock album with all the social commentary that people overlook in the original movement. He followed it with a rock-star-demi-god satire that really pointed out a lot of latent violence in the American psyche. It was such an embellished dismal look at violence, media, government, and god that somehow provided a good mirror that could teach us all a lot about our own problems.

Now, though, I think we can all agree that Marilyn Manson is a turd.

Aly and I were together for the holiday season, even if not for the Holidays.  It was the best experience of my life - coming home to Denver, to be with my girl.  Everything is stressful, right now - school problems, lack of work...but when I'm with her, I don't worry if I'm good enough to take on the world.  I feel complete, and blissfully happy with Albina in my arms.

It's the best feeling in the world - through all the difficulties we've faced, all the hard times we shared.  I'm still the happiest boy in the world with her.

This is the life I want.  I want to be with this girl forever.  I want to be the best times of her life.

phbltblblblblblblblblttttt!


sploosh!


                wsssssssshhhhhhh

Best Halloween ever, with the most beautiful girl I know.

More in love than ever, and not much more to report. I'd like to tell you stories, but they'll have to come with pictures. The awesome girl has them right now.

I have to go play piano now. K, bye.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

We're rarely serious, but we're forever in love.

02) What was your dream growing up?

This might sound incredibly weird, but I'm convinced I was dreaming of Aly.

03) What talent do you wish you had?

I wish I could paint.

04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

Whatever you're having.

05) Favorite vegetable?

hmmm...

06) What was the last book you read?

I'm currently reading Hell's Belles: Prostitution, Vice, and Crime in Early Denver. It's pretty amazing.

The last book I "read" was Wall and Piece by Banksy.

Before that I think it was some old rag called "Practical Audio Circuitry"

07) What zodiac sign are you?

Leo. Like - totally Leo, man.

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

I have a diode lead stuck in my big toe right now.

09) Worst Habit?

I talk too much. I don't sleep enough. I sleep too much. I'm constantly late. I smoke too often. I don't exercise. I can't answer a survey question concisely.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

Hell no.

11) What is your favorite sport?

I like contact sex.

12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?

I have a drastically fluxuating attitude towards life. I'm consistantly in love with whatever that attitude may be at the moment.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

I'd look at the camera in the corner, then eye you with a really menacing, yet disappointed look to see if you reacted.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

No idea.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

I can exhale through my left tear duct.

16) Do you have any pets?

No : (

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

Try to get you to leave without admitting you aren't welcome.

18) What was your first impression of me?

I can't put it into words. I had a feeling that I had been waiting to meet you forever. I was stunned by your depth, yet found you incredibly easy to talk to. I thought you were beautiful, in a way that scares me and comforts me. I tried to force myself to dream about you, so I wouldn't have to go.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

Clowns are brilliant. They satirize the comedy and tragedy of life in a way that is so profound that most people don't know what to do with them. They're entertaining, and disturbing. They're unsettling, yet heartwarming. I respect clowns.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

When I don't like myself, I wish I had a better stomache and that I was taller.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

I would help you carry out "crimes" that shake the systems society blindly falls into. We'd wake them up to a true morality. People would be forced to use their conscience for the first time. Fuck the man. The password is "Sic semper tyrannis".

22) What color eyes do you have?

Depends on my shirt.

23) Ever been arrested?

No, but I get other people arrested sometimes. Makes me rethink question 21.

24) Bottle or can soda?

Fruit, or cola?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

Shit a brick. Pay debts. Buy a present.

26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?

I like to play music when I'm mad.

27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?

I miss the Barnhole Studio. I'm happiest when I'm in the dark with Aly.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?

I want to believe, and then I think about what that implies for spirits and almost change my mind. I'm open-minded.

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

I like to make circuits when I'm not working. I've been getting back into PC gaming by catching up on the classics I missed/left unfinished/enjoy tremendously. My computer can handle them, and I'm starting to think the glory days are gone for a while.

30) Do you swear a lot?

Fuck no, bitch.

31) Biggest pet peeve?

People who preach without seeing grey areas, or attempting to understand opposition - who seek out heated debates when they don't matter, and refuse to find common ground.

Also, don't share my soda without fucking asking first.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

Settling

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

A little too much, sometimes.

34) Favourite and least favourite food?

Favorites:

-Chicken 'N Spice / Joliet, IL
-Dragon Light Resturaunt / Crest Hill, IL
-City Grille / Denver, CO
-Mom's Spaghetti
-Granny's Pretzels

Hated:
-The Atrium at the Regency
-Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers
-Cole Slaw

Comforts:
-Nachos and Salsa Con Queso (while watching RonCo, preferably)
-Fried Rice
-Skittles

35) Do you believe in God?

I do, but God becomes a little more abstract every day.

I've been meaning to update more. I've been meaning to get my camera fixed and show everybody what I've been up to. There's so much - I don't know where to begin.

I'm tired, stressed, and I seem to be screwwing up a lot. But I have to say, I have no regrets and I'm insanely in love with life.

I'm insanely in love with her. The past couple of weeks have been the most straining in my life...but when I see the mountains, I need to hold her hand to make it complete.

This weekend showed me what an amazing life I've got ahead of me. Every time I'm with her, I think "NOW I know this is where I belong. THAT was the best time I've ever had." I just don't know how life just keeps getting better.

Back to work, Danny. You slacker.

i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed
asleep today

i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

just try to see in the dark
just try to make it work
to feel the fear before you're here
i make the shapes come much too close
i pull my eyes out
hold my breath
and wait until i shake...

but if i had your faith
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was sure
that my head on the door was a dream

i've waited hours for this
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed asleep today
i never thought this day would end
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me

but if i had your face
then i could make it safe and clean
if only i was surethat my head on the doorwas a dream to

You may be unduly hard on yourself today as the Sun illuminates your shortcomings by joining judgmental Saturn in your 2nd House of Self-Esteem. Concentrate your energy where you can accomplish something that will make you feel good about your work. If you find yourself thinking about something you did wrong in the past, shift your attention to what you can do right in the present.

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I lonelily landed my wants in her hands
In a way, I felt you were leaving me
And I was sure I wouldn't find you at home

You let me down
You could have knocked off the evening
But you lonelily let him push under your bone
You let me down, there's no use decieving
That neither of us want to be alone

And you're coming home

I gave me away
I could have knocked off the evening
But I was lonelily looking for some one to hold
In a way, I lost all I've believed in
And I've never felt myself so low

And you let me down
You could have called if you needed
But you lonelily got yourself locked instead
You let me down; It's one thing you cheated
But you took him all the way through your bed

You're coming home
And I'm trying to forgive
You're coming home
I'm just trying to forget
You're coming home
And I try to move on
You're coming home
But you haven't called yet

You're coming home

I gave me away...

...There's no use decieving
That neither of us want to be alone

1. LISTEN TO THE BIRDS
That's where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren't going anywhere.
2. YOUR GUITAR IS NOT REALLY A GUITAR
Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you're good, you'll land a big one.
3. PRACTICE IN FRONT OF A BUSH
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn't shake, eat another piece of bread.
4. WALK WITH THE DEVIL
Old delta blues players referred to amplifiers as the "devil box." And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you're bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts demons and devils. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.
5. IF YOU'RE GUILTY OF THINKING, YOU'RE OUT
If your brain is part of the process, you're missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.
6. NEVER POINT YOUR GUITAR AT ANYONE
Your instrument has more power than lightning. Just hit a big chord, then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.
7. ALWAYS CARRY YOUR CHURCH KEY
You must carry your key and use it when called upon. That's your part of the bargain. Like One String Sam. He was a Detroit street musician in the fifties who played a homemade instrument. His song "I Need A Hundred Dollars" is warm pie. Another church key holder is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin' Wolf's guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty making you want to look up her dress to see how he's doing it.
8. DON'T WIPE THE SWEAT OFF YOUR INSTRUMENT
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.
9. KEEP YOUR GUITAR IN A DARK PLACE
When you're not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don't play your guitar for more than a day, be sure to put a saucer of water in with it.
10. YOU GOTTA HAVE A HOOD FOR YOUR ENGINE
Wear a hat when you play and keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house the hot air can't escape. Even a lima bean has to have a wet paper towel around it to make it grow.

Things have been fucked for quite a while. I finally snapped out of my stupid neurotic habits long enough to see my part in it. I love Aly more than I ever thought possible. We've both had our doubts, and we've both had our moments where we just wanted to say "fuck this", but we've held strong for a very long time.

Maybe I should just shut up and trust in that strength. I've been sabotaging what relationship we have by pestering her with the same fearful questions each night - I've been pouring over every sore subject I can think of. It's because I want to FIX it...but I really see that I've been causing problems all along. Not fixing them. I wonder if I had just backed off from the start if I could have avoided this. Sure it's not ALL me, but like I said - I finally see that I am responsible for it.

I still dream of waking up next to her, kissing her lightly before she wakes up, and late nights of dancing, talking, waffles, and love. I need to focus on that possibility rather than being afraid. I need to be her boyfriend. Not the obsessed crazy boy that won't back off.

I've been hanging on every hurtful word said rather than acknowledging that things are hard, and trusting the fact that I have the most beautiful, patient girl who has been there for me all this time. It's harmed our relationship, and I'm done with it.

Aly, I love you.

"The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope."

-Walter Benjamin

I've become impossible
Holding on to when
When everything seemed to matter more
The two of us
All used and beaten up
Watch your faith
As it flows
Down the path
We have chose

You and me
We're in this together, now
None of them can stop us now
We will make it through somehow
You and me
If the world should break in two
Until the very end of me
Until the very end of you

Aly is an official graduate. I'm super happy for her. It's always difficult for me to say "congratulations" or "I'm proud of you" to people I care a lot about. It always comes out sounding trite and condescending in a way, but I have to say it. I'm insanely proud of this girl. She's incredibly bright and talented, and she deserves a bit of recognition for it.

Meanwhile, I've been accepted at University of Colorado Denver! HOLY SHIT! This fixes all of the things I've been worried about for the past three years in one swift move. I'm out of JJC, I don't have to help people with their stupid computer crap, I get to work on music, I get away from the crap here, and I get to be with Aly! It's seriously the best thing that has happened to me in a looooong time.

I'm excited about moving, but I'm scared too. I'm realizing that there is an awful lot here I am going to miss. Aly is really the only person I'll have out there, and I'm a little scared about that. I can't rely on her being my entire social life - that would be terrible for her. Also, the things we've been through have been seriously affecting me. The nightmares haven't stopped still. We're definately working things out, and getting better, but I don't think we're out of the woods. This has just changed the way I look at things between us. The love and desire to be together is still there, but the confidence really isn't anymore.

Anyway, I love that girl, and I love music - more than anything else in the world. Finally, my two favorite things won't be overshadowed by routine, distance, and other garbage. I can build my life around what I care about most.

Today is insanely windy. The kind of persistent gusts that press against you as you walk, and make walking under the hot sun and clear skies extremely pleasant and relaxing. It rained last night, and all the lazy trees have suddenly sprung into full blossom. Yesterday's dead looking branches are now covered in green.

My baby is gone.

It was hard waking up without her, with her smell all around me, and my room (mostly) cleared of the clutter to try and make it a pleasant stay for her. It's unhappy returning to dull routine, and I'm feeling a little lonely, but I'm ecstatic. I was so worried about the two of us in the past few weeks, and now I'm just relieved to have found out that our time together is still magical. I still feel at home holding her. She's still the most beautiful person in the world to me. What's more, is the comfort of knowing she loves me too. I still feel a little unnerved by what we have been through, but I also feel that we could get through anything together, and I'm more sure than I've ever been that this is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't care what it takes - I'm going to her.

In the meantime, I surely have enough to focus on. Finals, homework, and general panic is looming ahead of me. I think these distractions may make the distance easier to bear, and the business will make my time away from Aly seem shorter. Here's hoping, anyway.

There is tons to do, and tons to plan. We've started seriously talking again about our options that can provide a future together. In the next few months, we'll have our visits, and our amazing stories (which are only appropriate for select audiences), to keep us steady as possible.

Life with that girl is an adventure. I can't wait to show her lightning bugs.